November 21st, 2008
This latest go at NaNoWriMo has been both a resounding success and a crashing failure. I’ve gotten into the habit of doing marathon writing sessions on Saturdays, but doing little to no writing any other day. I’ve fallen far behind in my word count, and there’s really no way I’m going to reach 50,000 words by the end of the month.
But that’s OK by me, because the main reason I wanted to do this was to get myself back into the habit of creating for fun, creating just for me. I wanted to reconnect with impulses and passions I had when I was a kid. Here’s the thing: I’m only just coming to terms with the fact that I’ve lived my adult life with anxiety and depression. Most of the time, I can keep it under control. Most people seem to think of me as a pretty happy, enthusiastic guy. I am, but I’ve also got a lot of anxiety that I find ways to work around, and I’ve been subject to some pretty bad bouts of depression (usually accompanied by intense social phobias and/or hypochondria). For the past year or so, it’s been pretty bad. I’ve been feeling more and more disconnected from those things that make me want to dance with joy. I’ve been waking up dreading each day, slogging through life as if it were a dense, dismal swamp. I decided to do NaNoWriMo as a form of self-therapy, to indulge my basest inner-child desires. What I wrote was for no one but me, and even when I haven’t been writing, I’ve been thinking about my story, woolgathering, brainstorming. I’ve been keeping my story, and all of its associations, in my head. And it’s worked. I’ve been feeling lighter, more at ease, more excited about the days to come. The times when I feel like running and laughing and dancing with joy are the majority, not the minority.
So, I’m publically owning up to the fact that I’m not going to finish my NaNoWriMo story. Not this month, at least, but probably not ever. I am thinking I’ll keep at it, though, writing when I need that particular tonic. I’ll tell you what, it’s a huge relief to write openly about failing and feel good about it. And it’s a huge relief to feel this childlike joy and enthusiasm again.
I’m sorry it has been bad. I’m glad this has helped. I’m glad you are my friend.
Josh, my friend Julie posted something very similar recently, saying that NaNoWriMo will be a failure for her in terms of formal success, but that she’s learned a lot about her own needs for writing and editing, and has learned to find the joy in her creative output again.
It gives me warm fuzzies to know that I have friends who are so able to adapt to the world, redefine success, and live life on their own terms. And I’m glad you’re feeling better, on several fronts. Hooray for fun!
I’m glad you’re feeling more like yourself! That’s a sense that ideally would always be something we take for granted, never having had to go for stretches of time in that swamp. But since swamps happen some times, I’m so glad you’re feeling better.
Here’s the thing: I’m only just coming to terms with the fact that I’ve lived my adult life with anxiety and depression.
Me too. I’m taking a rather less creative route – I’ll actually be starting an antidepressant tonight – but I say, here’s to us for taking care of ourselves and actively seeking joy in our lives. *hugs*
Well, not to be the dork who says “I know how you feel” but….I know how you feel. But this is about you and not me….unfortunately not everything is about me….and thats…okay.
Just so you know. I think you are pretty awesome, I feel cool just to be in the same places you end up, and am jealous that you seem to hold the bowtie as your own symbol…honestly doesnt it all come down to the bowtie?
But enough about you, the top ten reasons I am so awesome include…..
I think everyone else has pretty much said it all, but I’d like to add my voice to the chorus. I love that you’ve been able to reconnect with some of that spirit that you had as a kid. I miss it myself. Maybe there was something in the bricks of Lincoln. Anyway, I’m glad you found it again, and I’m glad that it’s helping. I hope that keeps up, but you know if it doesn’t, we’re all still here for you.
Josh this is wonderful, and I am proud for your on so many levels: on finding your bliss (or one of them, any way), for going looking for it in the first place, and for being honest with yourself about accepting your truths and changing them.
I’m sorry it’s been bad, but I find this post inspiring.Thank you for sharing a piece of your journey.
Thanks everyone for your extremely kind and supportive comments. They mean a lot to me, although I suspect you already know that.
[...] I’ve written before about learning to deal with my generalized anxiety and depression. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a big spike in depression and anxiety, caused in part by external factors (mostly money and the lack thereof) and in part by my brain chemistry being particularly wonky. The change of seasons, with the extreme ups and downs in temperature and weather, may be a contributing factor as well. At any rate, my brain has been all over the place, and I’ve found it difficult to concentrate on writing anything of note. Which, of course, feeds the anxiety and depression, since I’ve been making a real effort to write more this year. It’s good times. [...]